Toronto Star Referrer

Right words could cool down irate mother

ELLIE ADVICE COLUMNISTS FOR THE STAR AND BASED IN TORONTO. SEND YOUR RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS VIA EMAIL: ELLIE@THESTAR.CA.

Q I was recently sitting on a plane with my teenage son in a seat beside me, lucky to have had enough points to travel business class, and to be on an airline that hadn’t the crowding and long waits that passengers on some other airlines have endured.

But in the seat just across the aisle from me, a mother was loudly berating her teenage daughter (likely 15) for drinking sugary fizzy sodas and eating potato chips, just as my own same-age son had done before he became absorbed in a movie.

The mother’s tirade was embarrassingly harsh and easily overheard. “You’re disgusting! Eating that bad stuff and gulping it down! I’m embarrassed to be sitting next to you!”

I felt sorry for the girl. As a mother of a teenager with similar tastes, I’d already made peace with myself that these choices which he’s long been taught are unhealthy, are just a show of “freedom” when it’s possible. But it’s not a battleground to die on, nor overreact to.

I can’t help but wonder why this mother would choose to embarrass her own daughter at a vulnerable time in her life, and also reveal herself as a harping parent.

I cringed in my seat as the woman repeated her blistering criticisms. But I also still cringe, wondering how could I have helped this young girl without causing the mother to overreact to me.

Do you have advice on how to deal with such a situation?

Sorry for Not Helping

A Short of enough evidence of ongoing verbal child abuse in this teen’s life, your reaction would have to include a gentle response by contrast. You’d start by a friendly approach showing some commonality. Example: “My son also chooses those fizzy, sugary drinks when he can. But he knows that we don’t have them at home and we eat healthy foods because that limits any serious, long-term harm.”

In other words, you present an understanding approach which, if done gently, disarms her. Do not engage in her comments about the daughter or the choices teenagers sometimes make; rather, casually calm her. This is a kindness to both mother and daughter.

If you find the exchange is going well, you might even describe a homemade meal your teenager really likes, or talk about how making a from scratch together (e.g., pizza) makes mealtimes more enjoyable.

You’ll be doing that young girl a muchneeded favour. And, hopefully, the overwrought mother as well.

Q My sister and I are arguing about an evening dress she borrowed from a cousin 30 years ago. While recently decluttering, she found the dress. She maintains that, because our cousin never asked for the dress back, it’s hers.

I think she owes our cousin an apology with the return of the dress, drycleaned, with all new buttons. (A missing button is why my sister didn’t return the dress promptly. She couldn’t find an exact match. She put the dress away and forgot about it.)

Am I right that she should return it? Sibling Conflict

A Yes, that’s the “right” thing to do. But don’t count on her returning the dress, and here’s why: 1) embarrassment; 2) stubbornness; and 3) not wanting you to tell her what to do.

Stop arguing about it. Perhaps the cousin has also forgotten about the dress. For your sibling relationship, it’s best if you forget it, too.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Sometimes, a smile and gentle outreach to a stressed parent can calm the situation and save a child from harsher consequences. ELLIE TESHER AND LISI TESHER ARE ADVICE

WEATHER

en-ca

2022-08-09T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-08-09T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://thestarepaper.pressreader.com/article/281956021556796

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