Toronto Star Referrer

Sister’s marriage is all about money

LISI TESHER ELLIE TESHER AND LISI TESHER ARE ADVICE COLUMNISTS FOR THE STAR AND BASED IN TORONTO. SEND YOUR RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS VIA EMAIL: ELLIE@THESTAR.CA OR LISI@THESTAR.CA.

Q My sister married a nice guy but we all know her reasons behind the choice. Money. We grew up not poor, but we never had extras or any luxuries.

The public school we attended was in a wealthier part of town, but was somehow our catchment.

Unknowingly, our friendships as children were all with very upper middle-class families.

We never went on vacation as a family, unless it was car camping, or a road trip to stay with extended family. But every once in a while, my sister or I would get invited to join a friend’s family in Florida, or Barbados or once even on a cruise.

We saw how our friends lived and we would whisper at night how we were going to have all those things when we grew up.

The desire for more spurred us both on to great well-paying careers and by our mid-20s, I knew we both had achieved the possibility of living “better” than how we were raised.

I married a man with a good career and, as a double income family, we have been able to give our children lots of perks and a nice life. But my sister wanted more. When this guy came knocking, she took one look at his bank balance and said yes.

They live a very nice life, own several homes, travel extensively, send their children to private school, etc.

My sister still works, but only parttime. Her husband uses his family money to run with ideas. Some work, most don’t. As I said, he’s nice, but….

My problem is twofold: she acts like she worked her butt off for all their trappings and deserves everything she has; and he is boring, not the brightest

bulb, and also acts as though he did it all single-handedly.

They’re both becoming hard to take.

Subpar Sister

A You didn’t really ask a question, but I’m going to surmise that your issue is that you are having trouble being in their presence. To be honest, they’re not doing anything “wrong” other than boasting, which is ugly. The two of them sound like they’re living in a privileged bubble and have convinced themselves — perhaps for self-esteem — that they have done it all on their own.

You know that’s not true and that’s what’s bothering you. The lie. She’s your sister, not your appendage. You don’t have to spend that much time with her if you don’t want to. But as your sister, you could say something to her quietly.

Start by telling her how proud you are of her accomplishments, how much you love her children etc. And then add how fortunate she is to have found a great guy who can provide all the things she could ever want. If she argues her false narrative, tell her she doesn’t have to prove anything to you. And let it go.

She’s not going to change, but she may tamper her dialogue around you. Reader’s Commentary Regarding the feedback (Feb. 15) on the column about the married woman debating whether or not to tell her husband about her samesex relationship before marriage (Jan. 18):

“I side with the reader’s response to not share the information with her husband, but to work with a therapist on lingering issues that she has. There are three possible outcomes of opening up to her husband: positive, negative and neutral. Therefore, there is a 33 per cent chance of a negative outcome.

“That seems like a significant risk to her marriage.”

WEATHER

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2023-03-30T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-30T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://thestarepaper.pressreader.com/article/281848647862601

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